When your body will not calm down no matter what you do
Chronic stress is not just a ‘busy mind’ problem. It shows up in your body, in the way you breathe, sleep, eat, and relate to the people you care about. You can know you are safe, you can feel grateful for your life, and still wake up with a tight jaw, a tired body, and a nervous system that feels like it is on guard all the time.
Maybe your heart races when you open your inbox. Maybe you lie in bed at night, exhausted but wired, replaying conversations or planning the next day. You notice your shoulders creeping toward your ears, your stomach in knots, your breath is shallow. It can feel confusing, even defeating, when your body will not “get the memo” that things are okay now.
You might need to hear this: your body is not betraying you. It is trying to protect you in the only ways it has learned. Chronic stress lives in muscles, breath, digestion, sleep, and relationships, not just in thoughts. When you understand how the nervous system works, you can start to meet these patterns with respect instead of shame and work with them through somatic therapy.
As you read, you might pause and ask yourself: Where do you feel tension right now? Where do you feel even a hint of softness or ease, maybe in your hands, your feet, or your face?
How chronic stress gets trapped in your nervous system
Your nervous system is your built-in safety detector. It is always scanning for danger and for connection, mostly outside of your awareness. When it senses trouble, it reaches for a few basic survival responses that Bessel van der Kolk and other trauma researchers often describe:
- Fight: muscles tightening, jaw clenching, anger rising, ready to push back
- Flight: urge to run, busy mind, restlessness, needing to escape or “get out”
- Freeze: feeling numb or spaced out, hard to move, hard to think, like you disappear inside
Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory gives simple language for these states. You might notice:
- “Alarm” state (sympathetic activation): you feel revved up, anxious, jumpy, on edge
- “Shut down” state (dorsal vagal): you feel heavy, collapsed, foggy, disconnected
- “Safe and connected” state (ventral vagal): you feel grounded, present, able to relate and choose
When stress is short term, your system can move in and out of these states. When stress is long term, it can get stuck. Chronic stress can look like:
- Being “stuck on,” with constant worry, irritability, and shallow breathing
- Being “stuck off,” with exhaustion, low motivation, and zoning out
- Or swinging between the two, often without knowing why
Gabor Maté talks about how early experiences, trauma, long-term caregiving, systemic pressures, or high-pressure work can train the body to stay in survival mode. Your nervous system learns, “I must be ready, all the time.” It is an act of wisdom and adaptation, even if it now feels draining.
You might ask yourself: When do you feel “stuck on”? When do you feel like you disappear inside? If your body could speak, how has it tried to protect you over the years?
The hidden ways chronic stress shapes your daily life
Chronic stress can be loud, like a panic attack, or quiet, like a constant hum you barely notice. Some common physical signs include:
- Recurring headaches or migraines
- Jaw clenching or teeth grinding
- Tight chest or shortness of breath
- Digestive discomfort or changes in appetite
- Chronic pain flares, trouble sleeping, or frequent colds
These are very common responses. They are not “all in your head.” They are your body’s way of saying, “Something is too much.”
Stress also shows up emotionally and in relationships. You might notice:
- Difficulty relaxing, even during downtime
- Emotional outbursts or, on the other side, feeling flat or numb
- Overworking or staying constantly busy so you do not have to feel
- People-pleasing and struggling to set boundaries
- Feeling lonely or disconnected, even with people you love
Brené Brown talks about the “armour” you put on to protect yourself from shame and vulnerability. Chronic stress often looks like armour: perfectionism, caretaking everyone else, being “the strong one.” Inside, there might be a scared, younger part of you that learned early on that the world was not fully safe.
Parts work and inner child work see these patterns as different “parts” of you, each with a job:
- The perfectionist who tries to prevent criticism
- The pleaser who keeps the peace
- The avoider who shuts down to keep from feeling pain
- The achiever who believes worth comes from doing more
All of these parts started as brilliant coping strategies. Using screens, food, alcohol, work, or constant scrolling to numb or distract are also strategies your system created to survive. You can honour these patterns instead of pathologizing them, while gently wondering whether they are still serving you.
You might ask: What do you reach for when you feel overwhelmed? If that coping strategy could talk, what would it say it is protecting you from?
What somatic therapy actually looks like in practice
Somatic therapy is simply therapy that includes your body, not just your thoughts. “Somatic” means “of the body.” In somatic work, you go slowly and with respect. Nothing is forced, and you are always in choice.
Sessions with a somatic therapist may draw on several approaches, woven together in a gentle way:
- Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, inspired by Pat Ogden: noticing posture, muscle tension, and impulses to move, so survival responses that once got stuck can slowly complete. For example, you might notice an urge to push your hands forward and explore that in a safe, mindful way.
- EMDR, using bilateral stimulation, like following a moving object on the screen, to help your brain and body reprocess past experiences so they feel less overwhelming now.
- Compassionate Inquiry, shaped by Gabor Maté’s work: kindly exploring the roots of your patterns, asking “What happened to you?” instead of “What is wrong with you?”
Inner child work and parts work: meeting younger parts of you with care and curiosity, so they no longer have to carry everything alone.
A key part of somatic therapy is co-regulation. Your nervous system can “borrow” the steadiness of a regulated therapist. In that shared space, it becomes easier to access the ventral vagal state, the place of connection, clarity, and choice.
A session might include:
- Tracking sensations in your body as you talk, like warmth, tightness, or tingling
- Experimenting with tiny movements or shifts in posture that bring a bit more ease
- Practising how a clear “no” or “yes” feels in your body
- Grounding practices for moments when you feel flooded or numb
You might wonder: What would it be like to have your body listened to as carefully as your words? How might that change the way you relate to your own pain?
Finding chronic stress therapy specialists in Ontario
Many people start somatic therapy after noticing that talk therapy alone has not shifted the tightness, the racing heart, or the numbness in their body. It can feel tender to try something new, especially if you have told your story many times before. That hesitancy makes sense.
If you are looking for chronic stress therapy specialists in Ontario, you might look for therapists who:
- Clearly name somatic approaches, such as Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and EMDR
- Speak about Compassionate Inquiry, parts work, or inner child work in a gentle way
- Describe their work as trauma-informed and grounded in nervous system science
- Emphasize pacing, consent, and collaboration
The fit between you and a therapist matters at least as much as the method. A good match often feels like:
- A sense of warmth and being genuinely welcomed
- Feeling seen rather than analyzed or “fixed”
- Space to go at your own pace, with no pressure to share more than you want
- Respect for both your thinking mind and your sensitive, soulful body
You might ask yourself: What do you long for from a therapist, softer shoulders, a slower pace, fewer masks? How would it feel to have support that honours all of you, not just the parts that seem “put together”?
Welcoming your body back home
You might begin to think of your body not as a problem to fix, but as a loyal messenger that has never stopped trying to keep you safe. Bessel van der Kolk’s phrase “the body keeps the score” and Gabor Maté’s work in “When the Body Says No” on the wisdom of stress both point to the same truth: when you listen carefully to the body, you can begin to understand what it has been carrying for you.
Chronic stress patterns can soften. With somatic therapy, gentle attention, and the support of co-regulation, your nervous system can slowly learn that it is allowed to rest, digest, and connect again. Healing is not about becoming a different person. It is about coming home to the person you already are, with a bit more breath and space inside.
As days grow lighter and life around you speeds up, you might notice where your body is asking for a different rhythm. What would it be like to move through the coming weeks with a touch more softness in your jaw, a slightly deeper breath, or one small pause in your day that is just for you?
What is one small way you can listen to your body today, and respond with kindness?
Warmly, Laura Farberman
Begin Easing the Weight of Chronic Stress Today
If you are feeling worn down by ongoing stress, our team at Soulful Therapy is here to support you in finding relief and steadier ground. Our chronic stress therapy specialists in Ontario work with you to understand your unique experiences and build practical strategies that fit your life. When you are ready to take the next step, you can contact us to book a session or ask any questions.